Dear President Obama: MRSA, gay marriage and The Iraq

Dear President Obama,

Congratulations on your inauguration as the 44^th President of the United States of America.  I write this with hope in my heart and “Barack” and “Obama” newly added to my Microsoft Word dictionary, so no more of those annoying, red-squiggly lines appear under your name while I type.  

If you haven’t already noticed, this country and its economy are struggling harder than David is trying to restrain his little Duchovny.  So thank you, President Obama, for contacting my assistant yesterday with your request for my advice on how to run this great nation.  Please find below. 

• DON’T WORK TOO HARD:  Nostradamus predicted that the world will end in 2012.  I tend to believe him, as many of his predictions have already come true as proven by the following catastrophes:  the cancellation of Arrested Development; Madonna’s latest album; Amy Winehouse’s tattoos; and pretty much anything having to do with Jim Carrey.  My advice to you, Mr. President:  Why worry about working across party lines and achieving world peace when we are all going to get struck and killed in 2012 by a meteor the size of Karl Rove’s ego?  Dedicate your time in office to smaller, more obtainable goals like making the Playboy Mansion your vacation home.

• SELL SELL SELL:  I don’t think many people would object to selling and perhaps relocating Arkansas to China in exchange for cash money. But before you do so, make sure you let the Christian Right know that the second coming of Jesus just occurred in Little Rock.

• ALTERNATIVE ENERGY: As you well know, this country needs an alternative to foreign oil, but preferably something that doesn’t strip the United States of its natural resources.  [This has been a constant conundrum for our country. For more information please see my New York Times editorial, Why Masterbate When We Can Fuck Other People?] Well, I think I have a pretty safe solution:  AMERICAN IDOL REJECTS.  They are made in America, have tons of energy and are totally renewable year after year after painful year.    And if for some godforsaken reason we run out of rejects, we can just squeeze out the copious amounts of alcohol that are in the systems of Mickey Rourke and Tara Reid and convert to ethanol.

• GAY MARRIAGE:  This is a hard one.  What are we going to do with gay people?  First they wanted the right to vote.  Then they wanted to be allowed to go to college. Now they want the right to marry.  What next?  Are they going to run for President?  What the hell is that all about?  Like they are ever going to be elected President!  Hahahaha. Minorities are so funny with the things they demand!  I mean, it’s not like being able to visit your dying husband, wife or adopted children in the hospital is all that great.  Hospitals smell funny. Plus, they could get the MRSA infection.  So, by not granting a homosexual couple the same rights as a married heterosexual couple you are essentially saving us homos from being killed by a grotesque, flesh-eating disease.  So, really, thank you for that.  Saying no to equality is saying no to horrible, skin infections that create giant abscesses.

• STIMULATING THE ECONOMY:  I don’t really have any good advice on how to stimulate the economy. I just like to say the word ‘stimulating.’  

• GAZA, ISRAEL & THE IRAQ:  The only way to deal with Gaza, Israel and The Iraq is to mimic what I do when confronted with difficult decisions in diplomacy and foreign affairs: Memorize the back of the Monopoly game box and then go to town.  It’s pretty much the same thing with only a few slight revisions: 

Players Nations compete to acquire wealth through stylized economic activity involving the buying, renting, and trading of properties other nations using play money play money, as players nations take turns moving around the board world according to the roll of the dice the size of their nuclear weapon arsenal. The object of the game is to own every piece of property and drive the other players nations into bankruptcy, in which case game ends and wealthiest nation wins.  Wealthiest nation gets struck by giant meteor, Nostradamus says, “I told you so.”

 

So start with these pearls of wisdom, President Obama, and I am sure everything will go quite smoothly.

Good luck and Godspeed,

KBD

P.S.  I have a lot of other advice but my fiancée said it wasn’t appropriate to talk to you about sex.  But text me later!

   

Inauguration Committee Rejects KBD/Farrington Rap for Aretha Franklin’s Bow

In a shocking, last minute decision this morning, Barack Obama’s inaugural committee rejected a rap performance by KBD/Farrington and opted for Aretha Franklin’s version of ‘My Country, Tis of Thee.’  

KBD/Farrington, the infamous rap duo and protege of such superstars as Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer, wrote an original piece [lyrics below] which they were to perform before Mr. Obama was sworn in as the 44th President of the United States this morning in Washington, D.C. 

“This blows,” KBD said after receiving the rejection notice, “but not as hard as the last eight years.”

The Drama of Obama

by KBD/Farrington

 

Oh, the drama of Obama

Beating Bush, kicking tush.

First Black prez, maybe the next one will be a lez.

Watch and learn while Barack, on the attack, still gets us out of Iraq.

B. Hussein is gonna bring the pain to those who try and flush our civil liberties down the drain.

Oh, the drama of Obama, like a toma-

      hawk thrown at injustice, he will bust this

climate of fear and hate amongst us.

The M.O. of B.H.O. will be to show

the world that America can grow,

and no longer completely blows.

‘cept for all you Arkansas ‘hos.

Look out world here comes the Barack

Bush was all talk but Obama walks the walk

He gonna fry gay marriage all up in his wok

And serve it out to all in order to shock

The ass-backwards Christian right flock.

Oh, the drama of Obama, like a comma

     Splittin’ up a sentence in order to make sense

Of this fucked up drama

Obama, like the Dali Llama, is dedicated to peace

Cuz it takes all kinds of ingredients to make a quiche.

and millions of grains of sand to make a beach

And zillions of blood cells to make a Stacy Keach

And by quiche I mean country

And by country I mean world

And by world I mean

WORLD MOTHA’ FUCKIN’ WIDE

So get on board and enjoy the ride

If you get a stain you can just use Tide*

 

 *This rap sponsored by Tide To Go® Instant Stain Remover

 

 

 

 

Third Party Sues Portland and State of Maine

As reported in other local publications over the last few days, the city of Portland plans to sue the state of Maine to resolve the question of who owns the submerged land under the Maine State Pier, after a $100 million deal to redevelop the waterfront property collapsed because of the ongoing dispute.

However in a surprising development, Karma Beat Down has learned that both entities have been named in a lawsuit by a third party: Poseidon, god of the sea.

“I am Poseidon, god of the sea and earthquakes, son of Cronus and Rhea, one of six Dividers of the Power of the World, and I own that goddamned land under the Pier. It’s forever submerged in the sea, and I pretty much rule the sea, so step off, douchebags,” the god stated in a press release sent from his artist-loft apartment located on the ocean floor of Casco Bay.

“Oh shit,” said a city council member who wished to remain anonymous. “This does not look good for the city of Portland or the state of Maine. Rumor has it that if you fuck with Poseidon, you get one of two punishments: he turns you into a mangy, two-legged horse or he ships you off to live in Arkansas. Frankly, I’d take the horse option, but hopefully it won’t come to that.”

If the suit is decided in favor of the god of the sea, he would refuse to lease the submerged land to either the state or the city.  According to his lawyers, Poseidon has plans to build atop the submerged land and develop the Pier into a massive retail and entertainment complex to include a chariot racino, 24-karat gold slot machines and an olive tree vineyard. The complex would also house 54 Thai food restaurants, a trident factory, a Hot Topic for satyrs and the first-ever underwater Hooters. “Let’s face it, Hooters is delightfully tacky yet unrefined,” Poseidon stated. “And I like boobs. Especially under water.”

The complex, to be named The Poseidon Shops at the Watery Realm, will be managed by his brother Zeus, who recently lost his entire thunderbolt and porn-dynasty fortune in the recent economic crisis on Wall Street, as well as losing Mount Olympus due to a foreclosure.

In similar news, the city of Portland has also been named in a lawsuit stemming from the recently passed ban on smoking in outdoor dining areas before 10 pm.  The named plaintiff in this case is Erebus, a distant cousin of Poseidon and the god of lower air.

Palin Grants First Interview to KBD

Karma Beat Down is happy to go to print with its first sit-down interview with Alaska Governor and Republican Vice Presidential candidate, Sarah Palin.  The interview took place over the course of one day last week at the annual Wasilla High School Bake, Gun and Truck Sale.

 

KBD:  Senator McCain has been attacked for saying the fundamentals of the economy are strong. In light of the recent Bush administration’s $700 billion financial bailout plan, do you believe the fundamentals of the economy are strong?

 

PALIN: Fundamentally, I mean, when you look at the fundamentals as essentially the basis of our economic base, in a fundamental tone, you know, of or relating to the fundamental base of our financial system, then, maybe.

 

KBD:   Hmm. I’m not sure what you mean.  Anyway, who do you think is to blame for the crisis on Wall Street?

 

PALIN: Listen here, this country’s economic problems need some shaking up and some fixin’, and you can call me Ms. Shake ‘n Bake.  Er….Ms. Shake ‘n Fix.  Ms. Shake ‘n Fix ‘n Bake.

 

KBD:  OK, Ms. Shake ‘n Fix ‘n Bake, then let’s move on to your belief in Creationism, which teaches a historical time-line of planet earth as it is deduced from dates provided in the Bible. That is, according to a literal reading of the Bible, our planet is only a few thousand years old.  How do you negate the scientific proof that this planet is actually about 4.5 billion years old?

 

PALIN:  You know, I don’t really know where you are going with that, because according to Creationism, Senator John McCain is actually, technically, only about 5-years-old, so there is no way he could die in office.

 

KBD:  Well then, technically, that makes you a zygote.

 

PALIN:  A what?

 

KBD:  A zygote.  A newly fertilized egg. Do you think, as a zygote, you have the experience to be the Vice President of the United States?

 

PALIN:  Absolutely, yes.  And I am ready to undergo mitotic cell division.

 

KBD:  You said in an interview with ABC that Alaska’s physical proximity to Russia gives you insight into Russian actions and other issues of national security.  If the Russians should invade the United States via the Bering Strait, what would be your first action?

 

PALIN:  Well, I’d send Todd up there with his snowmobiling unit, the Iron Dogs, and they would kick some major Russian ass.  Those sled necks will take on those commie Cheechakos anytime with a little ‘bear insurance’, if you know what I mean.

 

KBD:  Well, I assume you mean handguns.

 

PALIN:  More like small, handheld nuclear weapons.

 

KBD:  Which brings me to my next question. Do you believe in the Bush doctrine?  That is, that the United States has a right to anticipatory self-defense? Do we have a right to make a preemptive strike against another country if we feel that country might strike us?

 

PALIN:  Yes, yes I do.  For instance, if I look hard enough,  but not hard enough to cause considerable eye strain, I can see Russia from Alaska.  If all of a sudden I see, say, 56,000 Russians stockpiling weapons of mass destruction in their backyards, you bet your hockey skates that I am going to, um, preemptively strike them.  And in the same way, if Floridians see, like, shit going down in Puerto Rico that looks like that country is going to invade South Florida, than the United States has the right to invade and nuke Puerto Rico.

 

KBD:  But Puerto Rico is a territory of the United States.

 

PALIN:  Oh.  

 

KBD: Moving on, let’s talk about the Gravina Island Bridge, dubbed the Bridge to Nowhere.  You originally supported the building of the bridge, and now you oppose it.  Yet you kept the millions of dollars that was provided for the bridge.  Can you explain?

 

PALIN:  Well, you have to understand that I originally supported the Bridge to Nowhere because I was informed, through various Pentecostal religious elders, that this was actually going to serve as a Bridge to God…

 

KBD:  Excuse me, did you say a ‘Bridge to God’?

 

[at this point in the interview Governor Palin’s handler, excuse me, security guard, leans down and whispers something in Palin’s ear]

 

PALIN:  Um, no.  Excuse me, no, I said…uh, Bridge to Cod.

 

KBD:  ’Bridge to Cod’?  Did I hear that correctly?  As in, the fish?

 

PALIN:  Yes, Bridge to Cod.  So, um, it was originally going to be a Bridge to Cod, so, like, Alaskan fishermen could take the bridge and gather up all the cod they wanted, safely, so they didn’t have to, like, go on their big boats and get caught in those nasty fishing lines.  Did you know that I have my fishing license?  And Alaska cod is low in fat and calories.

 

KBD:  I see.  Ok.  Wow.  Well, I guess this could transition into my next question, if you could be any animal, what animal would you be?  And feel free to cross-breed.

 

PALIN:  Cross breed?  No. Um, no, I don’t believe in animals having sex before marriage.

 

KBD:  Governor Palin, thank you for your time.  This is my last question.  Do you think you have created good karma for yourself?

 

PALIN: Well, I don’t really have a lot of time to cook anymore, but when I want some good chicken karma there is a great little Indian restaurant down the street from my house.

 

 

Depression Up! Since Jonas Brothers, Harry Potter announcements

A dramatic turn of events and announcements in the entertainment world has caused a noticeable spike in anti-depressant prescriptions and cases of severe depression, as well as an increase in cursed wizard spells, the American Health Organization said in a press release this morning.

One of these events occurred Tuesday when the Jonas Brothers released their latest album, causing millions of hipsters clad in ball-sucking-tight black jeans, striped hoodies and Buddy Holly glasses to run to their therapists for some uppers. They then ran to the local record store to buy lots of CSS, Beck and Fleet Foxes albums.

Following this was a surprise announcement on Tuesday evening from ABC that Meredith and Dr. McDreamy actually will not be moving in together as previously planned, but have broken up over Meredith’s incessant whining and her “I just-sucked-the-helium-out-of-149-balloons” like voice. This unexpected announcement caused a tie-up of all 411 lines in Seattle, as operators tried to explain to callers that Seattle Grace isn’t actually a real hospital. It also caused one housewife in Kansas to jump out her window. She is being treated for only minor injuries since her mobile home is only one-story.

These events all followed the (arguably) most dramatic of the events last week when Warner Brothers officially announced that the next Harry Potter film, “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”, is now scheduled to hit theaters in July 2009 rather than in November 2008.

“My life is ruined,” Heather Fruitville, a 45-year-old fan and muggle, stated on her Myspace page after the announcement from the movie studio. “I am now abandoning my quests to stop global warming and world hunger so that I may dedicate the next year of my life to telling Warner Brothers how pissed I am. I truly don’t know what I am going to do come this November, besides popping a lot of pills so that I can deal with this horrific tragedy.”

The delay has spawned thousands upon thousands of other people with absolutely nothing else better to do to spend even more time on social networking sites such as Facebook and Myspace, complaining about this and other atrocities, such as the Super Wall application not working properly.

As expected, Harry Potter fan sites are also blowing up with complaints. “I have cast a Keanuius Reevieus curse on Warner Brothers,” said a fan known as mugglemytuggle on MuggleNet, “so that every Warner Brothers movie from here out will flop like a dying fish.”

Warner Brothers counter-cursed with a “Dorkius Fuckwadious”.

When asked for a comment regarding the thousands of disappointed fans, Professor Dumbledore said, “Fucking losers. Get outside and get some sun or something.”

Dear Madonna,

Dear Madonna,

 

I have recently heard of your alleged affair with Alex Rodriguez, who shall heretofore be referred to as A-Dud.  It pains me to hear that you have not picked a more suitable lover with whom to have an affair.  Do you feel as if you won the lottery only to find out that the grand prize is an autographed photo of Jimmy Smits?  

 

Couldn’t you have chosen someone a little closer to your greatness and social standing?  Like Jesus, perhaps?  Oh wait, Kaballalists don’t believe in Jesus. Ok, how about Elvis?  He isn’t dead, you know. Actually, he is that one old dude on “Gossip Girl.”  But even if he were dead he would be more exciting than A-Dud.  

 

Anyway, I can’t hide my disappointment.  It seems as if you are slipping away from me.

 

First, you name your album “Hard Candy.”  C’mon!  That’s like if Paris Hilton named her vagina “Fur Burger” or something.  

 

Then you release “4 Minutes to Save the World.”  And you proceed to NOT tell us what you would do in those four minutes, leading us to believe that you would merely groan“uh-huh” a lot, do the bump with JT, and then let the world explode. “But if I die tonight at least I can say I did what I wanted to do. Tell me, how ‘bout you?”  Well, let’s see…I would more than likely declare nuclear war on your latest album, eat an entire fucking bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken and then smoke a filterless cigarette.*  

 

Now, you are all over the news for the alleged A-Dud affair.   I don’t know what I will do next if you do something like, oh, recruit Britney Spears for a virtual appearance on your upcoming tour.

 

Oh.  Fuck.  Does KFC deliver?

 

Yours truly,

KBD

 

*If you wanted to have sex with me during these 4 minutes of trying to save the world, just ring me.

 

 

 

Do you need help? Visit us online.

I haven’t posted in a while, and I apologize to my three faithful readers.  I am in the process of developing an online support group for people who suffer from internet addiction.

It’s OK to be GAY.

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

It’s OK to be GAY.

Seriously.

Say it to yourself, Lindsay: “It’s OK to be GAY!”

I mean, there are tons of celebrities who are gay. I can’t think of anyone off the top of my head right now, but I know they are out there. Wait a second…Angelina Jolie said she was gay once, so it must be ok. Then again, she also used to wear a vial of blood around her neck and got “Billy Bob” tattooed on her arm. Remember, Lindsay, these things are NOT OK.

But being GAY is OK! Repeat it to yourself.

Lindsay, take some advice – another thing that is NOT OK: Like Richard Chamberlain, DO NOT wait until you’re 107 to come out of the closet. Think of all the hot, gay action you would miss. Imagine if Evangeline Lilly announced that she wanted to make-out with you during an A-list party, but you were too embarrassed because you are, after all, “NOT GAY.” Fuck! If Evangeline Lilly wanted to make-out with me I would be gayer than Rosie O’Donnell trying to get laid on the set of The L Word.

On second thought, don’t get your hopes up. People as hot as Ms. Lilly are never gay. Unless you’re Portia de Rossi. Who is already engaged to the #1 Gay Person in The World, Ellen Degeneres. Which pretty much makes them the hottest lesbian couple since David and Victoria Beckham. And I am not just saying this so I that I get invited to the wedding.*

By the way, Lindsay, it’s OK to be GAY. But please pick yourself off the floor before you officially come out. You’re embarrassing us homos.

It’s OK to be GAY.

Go stick that in your Parent Trap.

Sincerely,
KBD

*E+P – The wedding invitation can be sent to karmabeatdown at hotmail dot com

New Surgeon General’s Warnings Announced

In an effort to further enhance the public’s knowledge about the dangers of smoking,  Acting U.S. Surgeon General Rear Adm. Steven K. Galson, M.D., M.P.H., has announced new warning labels to be included on all cigaratte packs.  The new labels will be in effect beginning May 1, 2008.

Some of the new warnings can be found below.

Planet Fitness not an Official Planet

Portland, Maine, April 2, 2008 – In an unexpected press release this morning, scientists at the National Convention of Scientific Science Dudes announced that Planet Fitness is not actually a true planet.

“Wow. I never actually went there, so I always thought it was a planet,” Astronomer Lucky Stars said. “First Pluto, now Planet Fitness. The next thing you know we are going to discover that Planet Hollywood isn’t a planet either, just another over-hyped, over-priced, tacky tourist trap run by a bunch of B-list actors.”

Planet Fitness has officially been downsized to a dwarf gym.

The tough decision made this week at the convention comes after a multiyear search for a scientific definition of the word “planet.” The term never had an official meaning before, but its casual definition known to most people was “a big round thing that has a bunch of things flying around it.”

According to the new definition, a full-fledged planet is an object that orbits the sun and is large enough to have become round due to the force of its own gravity. In addition, a planet has to dominate the neighborhood around its orbit.

Planet Fitness has been demoted because it does not dominate its neighborhood, which has been recently dominated by new kid on the block, Whole Foods.

In addition, bodies that dominate their neighborhoods, “sweep up” asteroids, comets, and other debris, clearing a path along their orbits. By contrast, Planet Fitness sweeps up gaggles of 100-pound high school girls who fear gaining weight, high school boys who think these girls are too fat, and hundreds of disgruntled office workers who can’t afford the Bay Club and are doomed to wait hours for an available elliptical machine.

Whole Foods is awaiting planet status, as it sweeps up asteroids, comets and other debris including families who wear matching boat shoes and laugh when their receipts total over $400, and idiots who leave their shopping carts in the middle of the aisle while going back for that $4 organic lime from Mexico that they forgot the first time they went through produce.

If Whole Foods is classified a planet at the next convention, this would mean that neighbor Planet Dog would more than likely become just another prototype of a new category of trans-Neptunian objects.

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