It’s Never Too Late to Try (To Get Adopted)

Dear Angelina,

Congratulations of your relatively recent adoptions of multi-cultural children. It’s so good to know that your family is not only happy and rich, but colorful as well. Literally.

I am writing to request that you adopt me next. Yes – I know I may be white, but I often look beige in the right light. You also might be wondering if I already have parents who are capable of raising me properly with love, tenderness and compassion. Yes, I do have these kinds of parents, but quite frankly, they don’t make nearly as much money as you do. This makes me financially needy and I know this makes your heart hurt.

You also might be wondering why you should adopt anyone as old as I am, as I am well over the age of 18 and should be legally responsible for myself. Well, to this I say: I can not only be your child, but I could save you a lot of money while doubling as your manager – which ultimately would lead to saving you from a lot of embarrassment as well, i.e. Billy Bob Thornton and “Life or Something Like It.” I don’t think we need to say anything further on this subject.

And a bonus: I am of legal drinking age, so when you get tired of that dolt Brad Pitt, who probably is about as exciting to have a conversation with as talking to a milk jug, we can go get some drinks and share some laughs over your latest escapades as a Goodwill Ambassador. And then play drinking games with your Global Humanitarian Award. Real family bonding.

Thanks for your time. I will commence with getting the official papers in order

P.S. Please forward to Madonna.