Dear Santa
December 21, 2007
Dear Santa,
Hi Santa. I hope this letter finds you well. I know that the last year for you has been a little rough. Sorry about the whole global warming thing that caused that polar ice cap to melt and break off with most of your elves stranded on it, as you sadly watched them float away to the unforgiving sea. Bummer. But it’s good to hear that you quickly bounced back by outsourcing to India.
I know I haven’t sent you a Christmas list in a long time, but seeing that I haven’t gotten shit for Christmas in the past twenty years, I thought I would try again. In all honesty, I have been relying on praying for gifts but the power of prayer doesn’t get you much anymore, unless you want a blowjob in the men’s bathroom of an airport. (Also, I don’t know if it was you or God, but thanks for that whole Ted Haggard scandal – he might be against same-sex marriage but he’s not opposed to the occasional butt-pirating in a skanky hotel.)
At any rate, here is what I want for Christmas. Anything you can do to help would be greatly appreciated.
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A mute button on the iPhone that allows you to mute another person during an actual face-to-face conversation.
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Please give Hillary Clinton a better, more genuine laugh. I think this may involve replacing her batteries or upgrading to Hillary Clinton Version 4.0
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Please give Barack Obama eight years of more experience, or at least enough so he realizes that four years of living outside the United States as a child does not exactly qualify as “foreign diplomacy and policy.”
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Can you please make John Edwards a little uglier? Being that pretty makes people skeptical of casting a vote for Mr. Handsome Pants.
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Please make George W. Bush apologize to all of Iraq’s innocent civilians caught in the crossfire of an unjustified war. It would probably go something like, “Uh, sorry for totally, uh, killing you. Uh. Oops. My bad.”
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A constitutional amendment banning gay Republicans.
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A redefined “Federal Marriage Amendment” which would define marriage in the United States as a union of whoever fucking wants to get married.
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A constitutional amendment banning Hummers, aka The Earth Fucker. For more info please visit www.fuh2.com On this same note, can you help spread the word about global warming? And as punishment for any New Englander who says “Yeah, but I wouldn’t mind warmer winters!” – please subject them to a week-long waterboarding ‘treatment.’
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A Democratic president in 2008. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I am praying to every deity and divine being for this one. If we all work together for one common goal, anything is possible. Except maybe giving Mitt Romney a personality that doesn’t resemble his first name.
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As a reward for his eight years of honorable service as the Vice President of the United States, please lock Dick Cheney in a room with the entire cast of High School Musical. Entertainment to include nightly screenings of “An Inconvenient Truth”, toys made in China and hand jobs from Larry Craig.
Happy Holidays Santa.
Love, Me
P.S. Here are some cookies and hot chocolate. Sorry I bit the heads off the gingerbread men. I was practicing my ’shock and awe’ tactics.
