Depression Up! Since Jonas Brothers, Harry Potter announcements

A dramatic turn of events and announcements in the entertainment world has caused a noticeable spike in anti-depressant prescriptions and cases of severe depression, as well as an increase in cursed wizard spells, the American Health Organization said in a press release this morning.

One of these events occurred Tuesday when the Jonas Brothers released their latest album, causing millions of hipsters clad in ball-sucking-tight black jeans, striped hoodies and Buddy Holly glasses to run to their therapists for some uppers. They then ran to the local record store to buy lots of CSS, Beck and Fleet Foxes albums.

Following this was a surprise announcement on Tuesday evening from ABC that Meredith and Dr. McDreamy actually will not be moving in together as previously planned, but have broken up over Meredith’s incessant whining and her “I just-sucked-the-helium-out-of-149-balloons” like voice. This unexpected announcement caused a tie-up of all 411 lines in Seattle, as operators tried to explain to callers that Seattle Grace isn’t actually a real hospital. It also caused one housewife in Kansas to jump out her window. She is being treated for only minor injuries since her mobile home is only one-story.

These events all followed the (arguably) most dramatic of the events last week when Warner Brothers officially announced that the next Harry Potter film, “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”, is now scheduled to hit theaters in July 2009 rather than in November 2008.

“My life is ruined,” Heather Fruitville, a 45-year-old fan and muggle, stated on her Myspace page after the announcement from the movie studio. “I am now abandoning my quests to stop global warming and world hunger so that I may dedicate the next year of my life to telling Warner Brothers how pissed I am. I truly don’t know what I am going to do come this November, besides popping a lot of pills so that I can deal with this horrific tragedy.”

The delay has spawned thousands upon thousands of other people with absolutely nothing else better to do to spend even more time on social networking sites such as Facebook and Myspace, complaining about this and other atrocities, such as the Super Wall application not working properly.

As expected, Harry Potter fan sites are also blowing up with complaints. “I have cast a Keanuius Reevieus curse on Warner Brothers,” said a fan known as mugglemytuggle on MuggleNet, “so that every Warner Brothers movie from here out will flop like a dying fish.”

Warner Brothers counter-cursed with a “Dorkius Fuckwadious”.

When asked for a comment regarding the thousands of disappointed fans, Professor Dumbledore said, “Fucking losers. Get outside and get some sun or something.”