Palin Grants First Interview to KBD

Karma Beat Down is happy to go to print with its first sit-down interview with Alaska Governor and Republican Vice Presidential candidate, Sarah Palin.  The interview took place over the course of one day last week at the annual Wasilla High School Bake, Gun and Truck Sale.

 

KBD:  Senator McCain has been attacked for saying the fundamentals of the economy are strong. In light of the recent Bush administration’s $700 billion financial bailout plan, do you believe the fundamentals of the economy are strong?

 

PALIN: Fundamentally, I mean, when you look at the fundamentals as essentially the basis of our economic base, in a fundamental tone, you know, of or relating to the fundamental base of our financial system, then, maybe.

 

KBD:   Hmm. I’m not sure what you mean.  Anyway, who do you think is to blame for the crisis on Wall Street?

 

PALIN: Listen here, this country’s economic problems need some shaking up and some fixin’, and you can call me Ms. Shake ‘n Bake.  Er….Ms. Shake ‘n Fix.  Ms. Shake ‘n Fix ‘n Bake.

 

KBD:  OK, Ms. Shake ‘n Fix ‘n Bake, then let’s move on to your belief in Creationism, which teaches a historical time-line of planet earth as it is deduced from dates provided in the Bible. That is, according to a literal reading of the Bible, our planet is only a few thousand years old.  How do you negate the scientific proof that this planet is actually about 4.5 billion years old?

 

PALIN:  You know, I don’t really know where you are going with that, because according to Creationism, Senator John McCain is actually, technically, only about 5-years-old, so there is no way he could die in office.

 

KBD:  Well then, technically, that makes you a zygote.

 

PALIN:  A what?

 

KBD:  A zygote.  A newly fertilized egg. Do you think, as a zygote, you have the experience to be the Vice President of the United States?

 

PALIN:  Absolutely, yes.  And I am ready to undergo mitotic cell division.

 

KBD:  You said in an interview with ABC that Alaska’s physical proximity to Russia gives you insight into Russian actions and other issues of national security.  If the Russians should invade the United States via the Bering Strait, what would be your first action?

 

PALIN:  Well, I’d send Todd up there with his snowmobiling unit, the Iron Dogs, and they would kick some major Russian ass.  Those sled necks will take on those commie Cheechakos anytime with a little ‘bear insurance’, if you know what I mean.

 

KBD:  Well, I assume you mean handguns.

 

PALIN:  More like small, handheld nuclear weapons.

 

KBD:  Which brings me to my next question. Do you believe in the Bush doctrine?  That is, that the United States has a right to anticipatory self-defense? Do we have a right to make a preemptive strike against another country if we feel that country might strike us?

 

PALIN:  Yes, yes I do.  For instance, if I look hard enough,  but not hard enough to cause considerable eye strain, I can see Russia from Alaska.  If all of a sudden I see, say, 56,000 Russians stockpiling weapons of mass destruction in their backyards, you bet your hockey skates that I am going to, um, preemptively strike them.  And in the same way, if Floridians see, like, shit going down in Puerto Rico that looks like that country is going to invade South Florida, than the United States has the right to invade and nuke Puerto Rico.

 

KBD:  But Puerto Rico is a territory of the United States.

 

PALIN:  Oh.  

 

KBD: Moving on, let’s talk about the Gravina Island Bridge, dubbed the Bridge to Nowhere.  You originally supported the building of the bridge, and now you oppose it.  Yet you kept the millions of dollars that was provided for the bridge.  Can you explain?

 

PALIN:  Well, you have to understand that I originally supported the Bridge to Nowhere because I was informed, through various Pentecostal religious elders, that this was actually going to serve as a Bridge to God…

 

KBD:  Excuse me, did you say a ‘Bridge to God’?

 

[at this point in the interview Governor Palin’s handler, excuse me, security guard, leans down and whispers something in Palin’s ear]

 

PALIN:  Um, no.  Excuse me, no, I said…uh, Bridge to Cod.

 

KBD:  ’Bridge to Cod’?  Did I hear that correctly?  As in, the fish?

 

PALIN:  Yes, Bridge to Cod.  So, um, it was originally going to be a Bridge to Cod, so, like, Alaskan fishermen could take the bridge and gather up all the cod they wanted, safely, so they didn’t have to, like, go on their big boats and get caught in those nasty fishing lines.  Did you know that I have my fishing license?  And Alaska cod is low in fat and calories.

 

KBD:  I see.  Ok.  Wow.  Well, I guess this could transition into my next question, if you could be any animal, what animal would you be?  And feel free to cross-breed.

 

PALIN:  Cross breed?  No. Um, no, I don’t believe in animals having sex before marriage.

 

KBD:  Governor Palin, thank you for your time.  This is my last question.  Do you think you have created good karma for yourself?

 

PALIN: Well, I don’t really have a lot of time to cook anymore, but when I want some good chicken karma there is a great little Indian restaurant down the street from my house.