Dear President Obama: MRSA, gay marriage and The Iraq

Dear President Obama,

Congratulations on your inauguration as the 44^th President of the United States of America.  I write this with hope in my heart and “Barack” and “Obama” newly added to my Microsoft Word dictionary, so no more of those annoying, red-squiggly lines appear under your name while I type.  

If you haven’t already noticed, this country and its economy are struggling harder than David is trying to restrain his little Duchovny.  So thank you, President Obama, for contacting my assistant yesterday with your request for my advice on how to run this great nation.  Please find below. 

• DON’T WORK TOO HARD:  Nostradamus predicted that the world will end in 2012.  I tend to believe him, as many of his predictions have already come true as proven by the following catastrophes:  the cancellation of Arrested Development; Madonna’s latest album; Amy Winehouse’s tattoos; and pretty much anything having to do with Jim Carrey.  My advice to you, Mr. President:  Why worry about working across party lines and achieving world peace when we are all going to get struck and killed in 2012 by a meteor the size of Karl Rove’s ego?  Dedicate your time in office to smaller, more obtainable goals like making the Playboy Mansion your vacation home.

• SELL SELL SELL:  I don’t think many people would object to selling and perhaps relocating Arkansas to China in exchange for cash money. But before you do so, make sure you let the Christian Right know that the second coming of Jesus just occurred in Little Rock.

• ALTERNATIVE ENERGY: As you well know, this country needs an alternative to foreign oil, but preferably something that doesn’t strip the United States of its natural resources.  [This has been a constant conundrum for our country. For more information please see my New York Times editorial, Why Masterbate When We Can Fuck Other People?] Well, I think I have a pretty safe solution:  AMERICAN IDOL REJECTS.  They are made in America, have tons of energy and are totally renewable year after year after painful year.    And if for some godforsaken reason we run out of rejects, we can just squeeze out the copious amounts of alcohol that are in the systems of Mickey Rourke and Tara Reid and convert to ethanol.

• GAY MARRIAGE:  This is a hard one.  What are we going to do with gay people?  First they wanted the right to vote.  Then they wanted to be allowed to go to college. Now they want the right to marry.  What next?  Are they going to run for President?  What the hell is that all about?  Like they are ever going to be elected President!  Hahahaha. Minorities are so funny with the things they demand!  I mean, it’s not like being able to visit your dying husband, wife or adopted children in the hospital is all that great.  Hospitals smell funny. Plus, they could get the MRSA infection.  So, by not granting a homosexual couple the same rights as a married heterosexual couple you are essentially saving us homos from being killed by a grotesque, flesh-eating disease.  So, really, thank you for that.  Saying no to equality is saying no to horrible, skin infections that create giant abscesses.

• STIMULATING THE ECONOMY:  I don’t really have any good advice on how to stimulate the economy. I just like to say the word ‘stimulating.’  

• GAZA, ISRAEL & THE IRAQ:  The only way to deal with Gaza, Israel and The Iraq is to mimic what I do when confronted with difficult decisions in diplomacy and foreign affairs: Memorize the back of the Monopoly game box and then go to town.  It’s pretty much the same thing with only a few slight revisions: 

Players Nations compete to acquire wealth through stylized economic activity involving the buying, renting, and trading of properties other nations using play money play money, as players nations take turns moving around the board world according to the roll of the dice the size of their nuclear weapon arsenal. The object of the game is to own every piece of property and drive the other players nations into bankruptcy, in which case game ends and wealthiest nation wins.  Wealthiest nation gets struck by giant meteor, Nostradamus says, “I told you so.”

 

So start with these pearls of wisdom, President Obama, and I am sure everything will go quite smoothly.

Good luck and Godspeed,

KBD

P.S.  I have a lot of other advice but my fiancée said it wasn’t appropriate to talk to you about sex.  But text me later!