Dear Madonna,
July 8, 2008
Dear Madonna,
I have recently heard of your alleged affair with Alex Rodriguez, who shall heretofore be referred to as A-Dud. It pains me to hear that you have not picked a more suitable lover with whom to have an affair. Do you feel as if you won the lottery only to find out that the grand prize is an autographed photo of Jimmy Smits?
Couldn’t you have chosen someone a little closer to your greatness and social standing? Like Jesus, perhaps? Oh wait, Kaballalists don’t believe in Jesus. Ok, how about Elvis? He isn’t dead, you know. Actually, he is that one old dude on “Gossip Girl.” But even if he were dead he would be more exciting than A-Dud.
Anyway, I can’t hide my disappointment. It seems as if you are slipping away from me.
First, you name your album “Hard Candy.” C’mon! That’s like if Paris Hilton named her vagina “Fur Burger” or something.
Then you release “4 Minutes to Save the World.” And you proceed to NOT tell us what you would do in those four minutes, leading us to believe that you would merely groan“uh-huh” a lot, do the bump with JT, and then let the world explode. “But if I die tonight at least I can say I did what I wanted to do. Tell me, how ‘bout you?” Well, let’s see…I would more than likely declare nuclear war on your latest album, eat an entire fucking bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken and then smoke a filterless cigarette.*
Now, you are all over the news for the alleged A-Dud affair. I don’t know what I will do next if you do something like, oh, recruit Britney Spears for a virtual appearance on your upcoming tour.
Oh. Fuck. Does KFC deliver?
Yours truly,
KBD
*If you wanted to have sex with me during these 4 minutes of trying to save the world, just ring me.
It’s OK to be GAY.
May 28, 2008
Dear Lindsay Lohan,
It’s OK to be GAY.
Seriously.
Say it to yourself, Lindsay: “It’s OK to be GAY!”
I mean, there are tons of celebrities who are gay. I can’t think of anyone off the top of my head right now, but I know they are out there. Wait a second…Angelina Jolie said she was gay once, so it must be ok. Then again, she also used to wear a vial of blood around her neck and got “Billy Bob” tattooed on her arm. Remember, Lindsay, these things are NOT OK.
But being GAY is OK! Repeat it to yourself.
Lindsay, take some advice – another thing that is NOT OK: Like Richard Chamberlain, DO NOT wait until you’re 107 to come out of the closet. Think of all the hot, gay action you would miss. Imagine if Evangeline Lilly announced that she wanted to make-out with you during an A-list party, but you were too embarrassed because you are, after all, “NOT GAY.” Fuck! If Evangeline Lilly wanted to make-out with me I would be gayer than Rosie O’Donnell trying to get laid on the set of The L Word.
On second thought, don’t get your hopes up. People as hot as Ms. Lilly are never gay. Unless you’re Portia de Rossi. Who is already engaged to the #1 Gay Person in The World, Ellen Degeneres. Which pretty much makes them the hottest lesbian couple since David and Victoria Beckham. And I am not just saying this so I that I get invited to the wedding.*
By the way, Lindsay, it’s OK to be GAY. But please pick yourself off the floor before you officially come out. You’re embarrassing us homos.
It’s OK to be GAY.
Go stick that in your Parent Trap.
Sincerely,
KBD
*E+P – The wedding invitation can be sent to karmabeatdown at hotmail dot com
New Surgeon General’s Warnings Announced
April 22, 2008
In an effort to further enhance the public’s knowledge about the dangers of smoking, Acting U.S. Surgeon General Rear Adm. Steven K. Galson, M.D., M.P.H., has announced new warning labels to be included on all cigaratte packs. The new labels will be in effect beginning May 1, 2008.
Some of the new warnings can be found below.
Planet Fitness not an Official Planet
April 2, 2008
Portland, Maine, April 2, 2008 – In an unexpected press release this morning, scientists at the National Convention of Scientific Science Dudes announced that Planet Fitness is not actually a true planet.
“Wow. I never actually went there, so I always thought it was a planet,” Astronomer Lucky Stars said. “First Pluto, now Planet Fitness. The next thing you know we are going to discover that Planet Hollywood isn’t a planet either, just another over-hyped, over-priced, tacky tourist trap run by a bunch of B-list actors.”
Planet Fitness has officially been downsized to a dwarf gym.
The tough decision made this week at the convention comes after a multiyear search for a scientific definition of the word “planet.” The term never had an official meaning before, but its casual definition known to most people was “a big round thing that has a bunch of things flying around it.”
According to the new definition, a full-fledged planet is an object that orbits the sun and is large enough to have become round due to the force of its own gravity. In addition, a planet has to dominate the neighborhood around its orbit.
Planet Fitness has been demoted because it does not dominate its neighborhood, which has been recently dominated by new kid on the block, Whole Foods.
In addition, bodies that dominate their neighborhoods, “sweep up” asteroids, comets, and other debris, clearing a path along their orbits. By contrast, Planet Fitness sweeps up gaggles of 100-pound high school girls who fear gaining weight, high school boys who think these girls are too fat, and hundreds of disgruntled office workers who can’t afford the Bay Club and are doomed to wait hours for an available elliptical machine.
Whole Foods is awaiting planet status, as it sweeps up asteroids, comets and other debris including families who wear matching boat shoes and laugh when their receipts total over $400, and idiots who leave their shopping carts in the middle of the aisle while going back for that $4 organic lime from Mexico that they forgot the first time they went through produce.
If Whole Foods is classified a planet at the next convention, this would mean that neighbor Planet Dog would more than likely become just another prototype of a new category of trans-Neptunian objects.
###
